TRANSlation: the one

Where do I begin this story? Do I begin by telling you I met the love of my life at Pride nearly four years ago now? Do I begin by telling you, in my ignorance, bravado and youth, I had no idea she would come to mean so much to me then? There was no way in my drunken double-fisting drinks state of being that would I be able to recognize the one when she hit me. The event is blurry due to the alcohol but one thing we both remember is talking like we could talk for hours - like there was no tomorrow at all in fact but then I kept drinking and kept drinking til I could hardly even recall her face if not for hard photographic evidence. I was newly on testosterone, going through puberty again and simply trying to chase the most unobtainable and unhealthy choices in the female specimen. I was also undiagnosed and unmedicated for my bipolar at the time. I was not in a headspace to fall in love with anyone.

Smash cut to almost exactly three years later. Shit, I would be lying if I said I was in any kind of condition to love or be loved at this point either. I was relatively fresh out of another hospital stay (my second in two years) that had rattled me something fierce. Something about seeing an unmoving grown man lying on the floor weeping for hours at a time will wear a soul down. Either way, I was wayward and contemplating my whole entire existence in this godforsaken place and not in any way looking for love. That’s when she showed up again, this time we did not have the opportunity to talk or hang out or anything at the Pride event. Something struck me then and there though and the feeling of immediate home I felt with her all those years ago returned. I, for one, did nothing. Short of telling our mutual friend that I could be interested. But telling this friend was like singing a mockingbird a song. She felt the same way I did and knew about my interest before long and my shaky, unsure hands were forced to pull the trigger. I messaged her and from there we quickly fell into a routine of constant communication. So much so that we don’t even consider when I officially asked her to be my girlfriend as our anniversary but instead from the moment I first messaged her that August day.

You probably are aware if you’re reading this that eight months later I was down on one knee asking her to be my wife. I wish I could say our story has been smooth sailings. But almost from the jump, something immediately snapped at our heels. About a month into our dating, my partner brought up with her parents about possibly meeting me, her dad avoidant and her mother all but silent. Then her mother texts and refuses to let my partner call her own mother in the moment but instead insists on a date and time to have a “conversation”. Essentially what was started was a gaslighting conversation where her mother condemned her and I to hell for our relationship due to the fact that I am transgender. My partner already had a rocky relationship with her mother before I was ever in the picture though. She had come out as pansexual to her mother and her mother took it like a sack of bricks. Then dating me made it worse and she decided to cut all contact with her but her mother has still found ways to weave her way into our lives such as using my partner’s brother as a conduit for her vile transphobia and grave misreading of scripture. He is not exempt though as he goes along with the brainwashing.

Both mother and son said simply, “I cannot support you because I love you.” It would be one thing if I were a junkie influencing my partner to come live on drugs or if I were driving her to financial ruin or beating her or anything yet all I do is simply love their daughter. And that is what they cannot support. I think this goes deeper than just “cannot support”, I truly believe these people don’t know how to love or accept things that are beyond their limited understanding. I have tried not to be rattled by the condemnations and near hateful rhetoric but it’s hard not to be. These are my future in-laws, people I will consider family whether I like it or not, forever. It’s not something to be taken lightly. This is the most blatant and targeted transphobia I’ve experienced in my time since coming out nearly a decade ago. And it’s coming from the family of the woman I love most, it hurts. I’m only human. I have wild ideas that one day they’ll wake up learning that love truly means accepting people where and how they are, as they are.

I think this only comes to shake what faith I had left in me after two hospital stays, my mother’s heart attack and a myriad of alcohol and suicidal thoughts. God and I had distanced in the years since starting testosterone, since my becoming. Somewhere along the line of vitriol coming from supposed Christians toward my kind wore me down. These instances with my partner’s family made it worse on both of us. We had a running joke calling God “imaginary sky daddy” for a while but that was more in the vein of how my partner’s mother viewed her vengeful, hell-condemning God. Where was I with my God? Stuck between a rock and a hard place for sure. I wasn’t completely shut off from Him though. As I have been offering up a particular situation for a while that I won’t get into here and now so He’s somewhere borne within me still. He still looms large somewhere. And I still know He loves me regardless of my being trans, I’d be dead if it wasn’t His love shining through my friends and family. I just don’t know what to do with such ill will being placed down upon my future wife and I’s life together. That isn’t God condemning me, it’s vile human sacrilege placing themselves as god, as judge and jury. I have many thoughts on the subject but I relent to love first and foremost. I love the people who condemn me; they bore a daughter in which I love more than the world itself. That’s enough to love them for a lifetime.

So this is where I sit… a woman who has proven to love me unconditionally multiple times sitting by my side. I am going to marry her, with or without her parents’ permission (let’s be real, she’s a grown ass woman who doesn’t need it). We are anxiously waiting on the next steps in our journey to come through for us so we can be one more step closer to our life together. I hope you can wish us the best as we do so.