the (wrong) one

Dear the wrong one,

You’ve left me no option but to write this letter to you. To let you know exactly what you did and have done to me. You won’t let me close enough because it causes conflict and you handle conflict pathetically. You cower and hide. All I’ve ever wanted was a calm and collected conversation where we both face what we did wrong in our marriage. You couldn’t do that. It would always escalate to screaming and shouting cause you dodge and weave and shift blame. Remember that you’re the one ending this marriage, not me. The least I’m owed is answers.

I want you to know I absolve absolutely no culpability for my end of things. I know I did wrong and I apologize for those things. I could’ve been better though, if you had just let me be instead of crucifying me, shutting down and slamming doors. If you had been willing to grow together. You didn’t want to do that. In fact, you’ve only used my apologies against me in this fight.

You abandoned me somewhere in the middle of our marriage and you essentially never looked back. Leaving me holding the weight of both of us on my back. I did the dance you wanted even with the weight - it wasn’t enough. I fought to stay by your side. Fought to fix what was broken in our relationship. Because that’s what maturity is, choosing your partner despite our own pride, hurts and hang ups.

You couldn’t see past your own pain to see mine, that I was hurting just as bad as you were because things were broken. You just stayed in your lane, never once rejoining ours. The truth is that staying is harder than leaving and you chose the easy road.

It is the safe road that you chose, not the one we had committed to that surely showed signs of being windy, bumpy and unpredictable as life is. But that’s the road of two people who commit to the rest of their lives together. You chose the simple path and abandoned me, broken down on the steep, windy road. It’s not fair.

You left me when I was at the lowest point of being able to deal with myself. I was facing moving away from my family and friends, I was facing trauma responses every day, I was facing disappointment that my dream of top surgery wasn’t coming true because of literal discrimination and I was facing you who was showing no mercy, no grace for me. Not letting my faults be just that, faults. Couldn’t make mistakes, even if they were patterns. Patterns can be broken with help from both sides.

You were never patient with my love or with me in our marriage. You couldn’t see that I was hurting and needed a hand or at least a shoulder. Instead I tried to stay strong and avoid all that was going on with me in an attempt to try to be the best husband I could be for you and according to you, I failed.

Then you ran into his arms when I was sick to near death and you stabbed me in the heart. You chose someone else over me. That’s when my heart knew it could no longer trust you. You are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, only looking out for yourself. You did not care about me any longer, that much was apparent.

One thing we lacked was understanding. You couldn’t understand the hurt and the pain, you called them excuses. I would never call your pain excuses.

It seems we just never connected the way I thought we did. Cause true connection wouldn’t be broken so easily. If you truly knew me deep down then you would know any mistakes I made were just that, mistakes and not intentional. Nor would I ever harm a hair on your head. But I guess you never knew me like that. Not deeply, not on a core level.

Least that’s something I get to keep in the midst of losing you - myself. Cause you clearly never knew who I was, what I’m made of and how resilient I can be.

You said you hated who you became in our relationship. You can change who you are, you know? Only you have control over that. So why then didn’t you try your hardest to be a better version for yourself and for me and for us?

You’ve proven in our separation that you will not take accountability for any of your side of the street. Because anytime I tried to talk about it, you turned face and ran. You are a coward and unable to face what you’ve done to me. I guess it’s easy to live with yourself when you deny any real emotion that might come across your radar.

You are a coward for not being able to face my pain in the midst of this divorce and owning up to your wrongdoings. You play the victim more than any person I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t even know what to believe about your past that you’ve told me. Just from how you’ve treated me, I’d say it’s all been lies that you tell yourself and others. You seem more like a snake in the grass, just waiting to lure your next victim.

All I can say is thank god this happened. Your true colors have been revealed and I can see you clearly for what and who you are. That’s all I ever needed. Thank god you only wasted two years of my life and love, and are not allowed anymore.

So the question is what did I ever mean to you? For you to abandon me like this.

Your husband, your partner, your friend.